The Itch To Preach

#103 It Seems Too Much To Bear

2007-06-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

This blog is dead. Go here.

#102 Down Memory Lane

2007-06-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

Its been far too long since I took time off with nature. So I took an approximately 1 hour walk along my neighbourhood, breathing in the night air. Everything's becoming more and more rushed, last minute and in a blur for the first time in a long while I felt at peace. The trail from my secondary school to my home brought back memories; of heaving my 10kg school bag (I was lazy to pack according to the schedule so I brought everything needed for the term) to and from school. I remembered racing home. I never did like crowds, so I rarely hit the malls. I remembered the small area we used to play street soccer, the result of which was holes at the knee-area on my upper secondary long pants. I also remember the times I'd take my bike past on fortnightly midnight expeditions to CCK.

And then when I reached home, the rush came back.

It just sucks not knowing where to go and how to get there and still be expected to follow.

Everything's not the same. Nothing's normal. Don't act like it is.

I have a penchant for running away from everything. Hiding behind that loathsome mask. Trying very much for the well-meaning attention to pass me by so I do not have to explain every single detail as if my life is under scrutiny.

I need air. But I don't to be thrown down a 20th storey building.

#101 Clueless

2007-05-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

What should I say?

RP. RP. RP.

Not a CCA. Nor an IG. Not an events group. Nor a social gathering.

We should be something more.

Something is lacking.

And I don't know how to go about fixing it.

God. Fix a broken ME.

Brings me back to an old song by Backstreet Boys. The trip to Popular brought back memories of my old Discman, a hand me down from my parents, and my second CD.

Remember when we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood we'd never be
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

What can I do to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that I resemble
I cannot pretend that we can still be friends
Don't wanna be
Alone tonight

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know
I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

What can I do to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed we never knew
How did I fall in love with you?

Nostaglia beckons.

I choose sleep over the faded reverie.

#100 For The Record

2007-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

I really don't need half-heartedness.

It just makes me sick.

Either you do, or you don't.

Everything else is insignificant.

#99 It's Alright Now

2007-05-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I bought 3 blank books.

Blank. Books. Interesting. Let's see what becomes of them.

Random mutterings and things I learnt:

I messed up real big on priorities.

Life tastes better with a pinch of salt in your wound.

Push and pull work in tandem.

I have reacquired the fear of crowds.

I may be there, but without a direction I am as good as not being there?

Expectations. Expectations. Expectations.

It's getting harder and harder to write here.

My brain works in overdrive far too much for my liking.

#98 Thanks.

2007-05-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

For the replies. Sorry I seem like I don't appreciate it. I do.

*Shooting Star by Boyzone

No one seems to think too much of me here
And they're glad to tell it to my face
And they're right I am not suppose to be here
I'm completely out of place

Somehow there has got to be a reason
Even as I try to think it through
There's a bolt from the blue
And I see a shooting star
Set apart from all the rest
While the other stars are standing still
He's on a quest

Every night this shooting star
Dancing cross the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why

I feel so much better when it's night-time
That's when I can sort of disappear
When the sun has set and it's the right time
For pretending I'm not here

Sometimes I just stare up to the heavens
Wondering if the answer is inside
That's when I see the light
Of myself that shooting star
On his way to who know's where
He's so unlike all the stars
And he outshines out there

And this solitary star
Is an awful lot like me
On an endless search through time and space
For a place that won't seem wrong

If we both hang on for long enough
We both somehow are strong enough
We'll find out where we belong

Every night this shooting star
Dancing cross the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why...

It's a beautiful Disney song from Hercules the animated movie.

#97 I Sensed It

2007-05-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

Someone is praying for me right now. It is not in vain. Please tag if you are the one and you visit this place.

12.34am Monday, 7 May 2007

And thank you.

#96 ...

2007-04-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

It's like German Expressionism all over again.

I look at all the protagonists and see something in them I've always lacked.

The strength to soldier on.

Funny, I remembering the word in a Sec 4 Comprehension Passage.

What makes a person cramp up and run away?
What makes a person feel alienation?
What makes a friend?

It's like being alone all over again. Only this time, there's no one else to drag down.

?

#95 Hmmm...

2007-04-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the CG, it was the evangelism.

Made all the difference. Went to a class, got to know 5 really cool people through the survey at RP today. In just 3 days, this bunch of 5 people (amazingly, not all are classmates) were really united and outspoken. I felt awed by their chemistry; if they are all in the same class for the 3 years in RP, they'd be one of the best groupwork mates.

I started off nervous, but as the whole survey thingy continued, it turned into a friendly chat. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying myself. Evangelism should be a lifestyle thing; it should be enjoyable too.

Jovin almost had to drag me out of the class. Almost.

Then we had CG. Three cheers for sportingness.

RP CG:
Sharon, Jovin, Nehemiah, Stephen, Michael, Cherine, Dilys, Yu Qian, Alicia, Elaine, Jerrome, Martin, Roy, Windez.

Attendance: 14 + Cedric. (Cedric I'm planning something personal for you, hehe)

Counting those who couldn't attend. There are 5 more. We. Almost. Hit. Twenty.

Almost.

God what is Your plan to being faithful to the flocks? I want to be part of it.

#94 Hear It From The Teenagers

2007-04-15T05:01:00.000-07:00

Nagging doesn't help. It only escalates the problem. Sure, I ain't perfect. But what makes you think the problems will magically disappear when you tell me that sleeping late is bad, that I should eat even while I have no apetite, repeating it a dozen times over a span of 5 minutes? I don't even think you notice I'm feeling ill, as the cause of my loss of apetite. If after living for 50 years on Earth hasn't drilled it in you, then I'll repeat it for your sake; Repeating only reminds and irritates. It doesn't provide a solution. Give me an answer and I'll work on it. Tell me I've got a problem and I'll wonder, don't YOU have other problems of your own?

And it doesn't help that you are my mother, having one of the most pivotal influences in my life. It isn't that I ain't showing you respect. You aren't using it wisely. And respect, can be lost. I'm not a robot. If you want one, go get one. I refuse to be your robot.

Don't do what most parents do just by going with the flow. Expend a little more effort into it. Who knows, you might help us and yourself more. Talk about us being lazy and irresponsible, what about your half-hearted attempts at understanding us?

#93 Sneaky...

2007-04-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

I just realised how cyclic things are. What goes around, comes around. Interesting. In any case, I'm here to publicise a blog: Here

Ahahaha. I'm a crazy little kid. But I quite like being the centre of the world at times. Today's an exception. Having a head full (or less) of follicle covering brought me much (unwanted) attention at service today. As such, I seize the chance to blog about it.

But before that, several things to clear up:
1. I am NOT going to the army just yet.
2. I am NOT enjoying this.
3. I do NOT like to wear a cap, because it feels weird and is stuffy.
4. I did NOT ask for this hairstyle.

Most of the people who came across my uncovered glory burst into laughter after seconds of being paralyzed in shock. I guess this is even better than the Original Windez's (Lame) Joke eh? And my family is no exception. That day when I came home hollering in desperation and self-pity, my mom tried to console me:

Me: WAHHHH.....
Mom: Don't *giggle* worry. It's *giggle* quite *giggle* nice.

Dad's reaction was classic, as far as I remembered it.

Dad: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA glad I'm not you!

And check out the reactions by the rest:

Nel: AHAHAHAHA come to service on Saturday you die!
Jovin: O_o *goes on to talk about how badly barbers cut*
Jerrome: *Laughter*
Tobias: *Makes a sound that indicates choking* *Laughter*
Richie: Coming NS group ah? *Laughter*

(Disclaimer, not meant to insult anyone)

***End of anything of entertainment value***

And then I had a sobering chat with Liyan. Met the rest at Le Meridien, but they had already finished dinner, so I headed to find Yan Xiang and the NS guys for dinner. Had a little chat with the TP guys, namely Nicholas and Jia Jun (Luke), whom I got to know better during Binary Fission. Very encouraging brothers. I envy them. But RP has its strengths.

And the way I lapse into the self I thought I left behind in secondary school. That lone personality. The "Windez thinks he is an alien" theory. Maybe I work better alone. But I sure suck in the universe if I can't work in a team.

God I won't ask for faster hair growth after this episode. But I sure will ask for a release from this blindness. This inability to see what matters, amplified by the sensitivity to everything negative that doesn't matter.

Breathe... Cross album. Thanks for that song, brother.

*edit* Oh yeah, my new shepherd is Leslie! But and everyone is special.

And gosh I haven't chatted with my cousins in a while.

#92 Guess I Was Wrong

2007-04-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Ahahaha what a fool I've been. I feel like I'm a sucker in an old school film. Doubting should never have been on my mind. Sucker! But I'm happy to know I'm a sucker! Because now I know everyone cares!

Anyway I've grown a goatee and lost a lot of hair up there cos' of a barber disaster. Bro's not home yet, and Dad's worried.

Jason & CYC are doing some really uncool stuff earning kopi-money and I almost went over. Almost. xD

*Edit* Ahahaha I just disabled my wireless while trying to disable my hard disk drive. What a nut.

-Now playing: My Wish by Rascal Flatt. Thanks for the song!

#91 Some Things Are Best Left Unposted

2007-04-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

This is living torture! 4 days of unrestful terrors.

Now I know how you feel.

I asked for it but scarcely believed it actually happened. I just pray for a better response.

It's not my biological clock that's not working, I've realised. It's my psychological well-being that's torn apart by dreams gone sour, thoughts gone amok. And they say we're the strawberry generation. I totally agree. =/

In any case I think everyone needs an explanation. You will get one in due time.

But now I need some space. Gosh its getting harder to breathe.

Trying to verbalise my feelings, concerns and all. Y'know, it's been hard slowing down when time waits for no one.

Not even me.

#90 A.H.H.H.

2007-04-09T02:12:00.000-07:00

My. Hair. Is. A. Poor. Fellow. It. Is. Screaming. Right. Now. Crying. For. Mercy.

Went to the barber. I specifically said to trim, and not to cut too short.

Throughout the whole ORDEAL, I was wondering how I would fix my hair problem. The situation escalated as my black locks continued falling down like snow on a winter's afternoon.

It finally ended when the man with the scissors said, "Is it okay? I cannot cut any shorter, if not it wouldn't be nice," before smiling apologetically.

"I cannot cut any shorter, if not it wouldn't be nice."

Deep down I was like: What. The. Heck? WHAT. THE. HECK?!

So now I'm going to get a wig. Either that or a really huge cap.

Dang. I placed an ill-informed bet on being economical versus forking out the extra dollar.

Oh help me through the coming class semester. @_@

#89 Almost Lost In Time.

2007-04-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

I *almost* forgot the memory vaults we made back in 2004. But now that I have it in my heart, I'll never forget Crossroads or Farplane Memories. I'll never forget Xmusik, no matter how amateurish I was at web design at that time. I'll never forget the poetry I wrote. I'll never forget:

I'll take the lot,
Of smothered pot,
And put it out to rot.

or

Tick Tock Tick Tock,
Silently the shadows mock

I'll never forget singing Eyes On Me, under the blocks, the midnight cycling, however foolish we were once.

I'll never forget that childhood I once had, the secret I told Yeow Chong and Jason to keep, however open it was.

I'll never forget the words I wrote in my passion, the stories I crafted in my imagination, and the freedom I felt in my naivete.

I'll never forget being the Boy Scout, respecting the school's rumoured fierciest teacher, knowing that deep down that stern-ness lay a caring and concerned heart.

I'll never forget that World Jamboree I lost my camping supplies in the misguided belief that all Scouts were truthful and honest.

I'll never forget the notes my form teacher wrote to me just before the advent of the PSLE examinations.

I'll never forget working over time on my computer game training all through the PSLE & "O" level examinations.

I'll never forget that sour feeling in the heart missing someone I crushed on.

I'll never forget watching power rangers, Super Sentai, ultraman and other stuff people call kiddish, the stuff that makes dreams.

I'll never forget conquering the grass patches dotting the route from my house to the swimming pool, as a world-famous treasure hunter.

I'll never forget losing my first fist fight because I couldn't bear to hurt someone else.

I'll never forget the day I first imagined myself an alien on a planet that was not my own.

I'll never forget the day I called myself, Windez. Honestly I thought it was stupid.

I'll never forget the day my brothers and I first tag-teamed to defeat other players online.

I'll never forget the day my teacher added the words, "Carp Diem!" to end my essay for me.

I'll never forget getting the lowest score for the first time in biology class on the topic, "Human Reproduction".

I'll never forget making my own rockets to fire off.

I'll never forget speeding on a bicycle at top speed, hitting the curb and bouncing back, narrowly missing a collision with a car.

I'll never forget that day at the Zoo I lost control and blocked the tram.

I'll never forget that day when my dad hurt himself and I hurt with him.

I'll never forget the promise I made to my mom, that her decision to bear the three of us was the best ever, and that it was only going to be better.

I'll never forget the times I said it was okay, yet was bleeding internally.

I'll never forget the day Jesus came into my life.

And I'll add this on request: I'll never forget my "childhood fantasies", wafer biscuits!

And you know what's the best thing? The beauty of life only gets better.

#88 Trivia

2007-04-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hair was a disaster. Tried on Michael's (he stayed over at my house) new bottle of hair cream. Turned out it was way too soft for my thick hair. Ended up mixing clay in. *Shhh* don't tell anyone I did that. In any case, worship practice was cool.

Started off pretty rockily, because of my self-consciousness. I seem to have a chronically overwhelming sense of self-consciousness. Whatever that means. The jitters passed after I quit trying worship and started on a praise. It worked wonders. God is in the house!

And then Michael and I headed for the Youth For Causes meeting I was supposed to attend. Guess who we met? Elaine. And Donald came by later. We were all pretty surprised to see each other, but I'm glad my ideas helped with the planning of some really major super cool-as-anything-like-no-other event the coming year-end. Not telling what it is, just that its cool. And so I started on my ideas for the YFC proposal. *_* the brother who is to help us is really encouraging. Things seem to be working out fine.

Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner came together with a meal at Long John Silver's, followed by a super *boringly* long trip home.

Tonight's going to be a test of my handwriting. Everyone pray that it will be legible. Or. Tomorrow's. Going. To. Be. @_@.

Okay that meant nothing. Just that I'm rambling on. Getting the jitters. Easter's coming, what can I do?

Okay breathe deep, Windez, breathe deep.

I feel better already!

#87 To Know Them More

2007-04-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

Honestly I'm very worried. I've got this knot in my stomach and am a little dizzy with excitement and anticipation at what God's going to do in RP. I can't imagine. Can't wait. But still have that sense of foreboding. Brothers and sisters, we'll thrive beyond what's in store.

Foreboding. Foreboding. Foreboding.

Let's all be responsive not for the sake of the events, but for the sake of Jesus being in our lives. I can't ever imagine running away from Him; everytime I do so the end is always the same; without purpose. Let's join our hands, let no one in our midst fall away, because we are sure of the end they will face if they do.

It's like looking into a mirror when I see you. Brother, don't let the hurt/confusion consume you. I sense it. Don't deny it.

#86 Revival.

2007-04-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

Michael and Jerrome came over just now. But that's not all; Jerrome brought with him two spiritual gold mines:

1. The Journey of Israel
2. The Five Love Languages for Singles

I bet the 2nd book would interest Jasmine. Ahahahahaha. Just kidding. In any case, I'm not afraid to admit it, but the 2nd book appealed to me more.

So I went to read it first, of course. By the introductory chapter, I was pretty blown away. I wanted to stop, hold, stop reading by Chapter 2. To just re-read it tomorrow to better absorb the principles. Because you see, L-O-V-E isn't just about romance.

You can learn much about the power of love and about God Himself if you'd explore this. The book went on to explore our relationships with our parents.

Because you see, we humans are relational creatures.

By the time I had got to Chapter 3, Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation, I forced myself to close the book, lest I waste the truths to an overworked mind.

In any case, Michael, Jerrome and myself agreed on a sleepover at my house tomorrow. Which means they'll be coming by Bukit Batok the second time in a very young week.

That's good. It's a ghost town out here.

I'm outclassed, outgunned and outmaneouvred. But you know what? I'm never out of hope.

Oh yeah. I owned GDI and NOD. Desperately awaiting C&C 3 expansion. Tiberium Wars was just too short.

#85 I Can't Believe It

2007-04-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

I realise what the price of doubt is. Apparently too much time.

A brother once said he believed that I could do what he couldn't. I doubted. Now I know more than ever that God blesses according to faith. It's not a matter of can do, but wish to.

Just had a long chat with Ben Jeremiah on the phone. Understand that he's been going through some really rough times and we can do our part to pray for him, and each other. Distance doesn't matter when there is God to play the mediator. The Holy Spirit convicts.

I've been a lazy boy today. I woke up late because I slept late yesterday. Ended up spending the day watching my brother blow tanks and capturing bipedal montrosities in Command & Conquer 3: The Tiberium War. The rest of the day was intersparsed with Naruto/Ultraman Mebius, YouthForCauses proposal planning (deadline is way too near...!), as well as talk time online. Today 3 people added me. Congratulations Jing Wei (TP) and Jacob (NYP), you are 2 of the 3 whom I accepted in MSN today. The other I don't know who.

And Xin Ying, my wonderful Infocounter/Offering leader just opened a blog for us! Check it out @ http://hopetnt.blogspot.com/. It's still under construction but, well, thank God for her!

Had a slight catch up with Timothy on MSN. He's having a drama production on tomorrow at Hwa Chong Institution at 10am. Very excited!

More and more I hear the words;
Stature, discipline, burden, healing.

No longer will I look at myself and judge.

#84 Thank God!

2007-03-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

For Glenn, Wei Hong and Jerrome for helping with the camp filming. I sincerely have to apologise for the late informing but these brothers were awesome with accepting the assignment! I've just watched two out of three out of the tapes and I must say there is great potential in what we can do with the clips that we have.

Some styles I've noticed:
Glenn employs a close-up technique and fast cuts.
Wei Hong and Jerrome a stable and sustained capture person.
Jerrome is a little more advantaged by nature of his course, playing with more angles.

Did you know:
1. Less than 1/10 of the total video captured is used in the final video product.
2. The heavier the video camera, the greater the inertia and hence the easier it is to remain stable. Of course, a heavier camera also means we get tired more easily.
3. Because of the advent of non-linear video editing, the videos that you see may not have been shot in chronological order of appearance.

****

To be a biblical influence in the media and music industries, that's what we can be, RP! Work small, think big!

#83 Oh Oh!

2007-03-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

First sign of the internal spiritual battle!

I. Have. Got. To. Go. Sleep. Keep. Early. Nights. Okay?

Pat me on the back if I succeed. It is now officially 11.20pm, so I shall sleep by 12 midnight for starters.

I will succeed.

Oh and I've made the decision to cut back on my gluttony; I've vowed to cut down on excessive food-gorging-for-the-sake-of-growing-fat-because-it-doesn't-work-and-I'm-killing-myself.

Because though it doesn't show, science does.

Oh yeah and, my nightmares are back. o_O

*Edit* I failed to meet the midnight deadline. LOL!

#82 Tapping Non-stop

2007-03-30T03:29:00.000-07:00

So nervous. Going to give my first counseling session since the Gen Next Camp '07 partnering with God. Think I will set up a date and prepare a teaching to help. This time it will be a success.

By faith,

My very first test in victory living today concerns a brother who I really care, who I noticed was missing but who by my lack of willpower did not express concern. I repent. I wasn't blind but I did not take the chance. But now I will.

The service. The healing rally. God knows how many people ask me where you went. Heng Yu. Jovin, Sharon. I state it here for your benefit.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

You. Matter. To. God. You. Really. Do. If you understand that then you understand that you matter to me too, bro.

In any case, Proverbs 15:33 speaks to me. Teach me humility however hard it is.

#81 A Growing Generation

2007-03-30T01:54:00.000-07:00

Generation Next '07 has taught me much about what I have to improve, on my attitude towards situations and towards God.

Many factors contributed my thinking within this camp, partly my ex-shepherd, Jovin's accident, my personal opinions of my abilities, what should have been done, what others think of me, the numerical strength of RP and my personal insecurity within.

I saw weakness inside and exemplified it. As a result, I became weak. It often exasperates me the way man has a tendency to look below his standard and descend even further in his lack of hope. It became easy for me to pretend to be mechanical in my interactions whenever I became uncomfortable.

****

Form & Character

The world thinks of holiness outwardly, but biblical holiness starts inwardly.
The holiness of form will be destroyed by the carnality of character.
Likewise the carnality of form will be overwhelmed by the holiness of character.
For form is as temporal as people are alive one day and dead the next.
Form is like the castle that stands tall on a cool Medieval morning and character is like the sand that makes up the castle and then reforms to become the cement that holds the skyscrapers that dot our planet. Character is the raw material while form is the product. A weak character can never make a lasting form.
The splendour of the wall of Jerusalem and the fall of Jerusalem.
The humble state of the 12 apostles and the impact of their ministry.

Victory Living

Failures teach us about the faults and errors in our characters; they help us to see the gap between our "can-be's" and our "right-now's". Because the carnal result is the form, our focus is on a God-centred thinking, which is a part of a Christ-like character. The moment you believe in Christ and His victory, is the moment you repeat the victory that Christ has achieved over death on the Cross.
The death of revolutionaries who fought for something but died for nothing eternal.
The legacy of Christ on the cross and His enduring salvation.

Romans 1:3-4 regarding His Son, who as to his human nature was a descendant of David, and who through the Spirit of holiness was declared with power to be the Son of God by his resurrection from the dead: Jesus Christ our Lord.

Being Vulnerable

Being vulnerable is taking our self-mindedness out and putting a God-mindedness into our perspective. Because the more we defend our flaws, the less of grace we allow into our lives.
I have sinned in this aspect. But so have my eyes been opened.

Exposure to Influences

The greater the exposure to the Holy Spirit, the greater the Christ-likeness. The greater the exposure to carnal living, the greater the carnal-thinking. For thought leads to action, action leads to habit, habit leads to character.
Media coverage of sexuality and rising abortion.
Peter Troung and the proximity of God in his life, and the healing miracles in the world.

Who Cares

You never know who cares until you ask; you can't read minds and neither can you dictate what people can think, nor do your unvoiced opinions affect how others care for you. But if you care enough to feel that way, chances are people care enough to care for you the way you don't think they do. The bottomline: At least 4 people in the world care about you when you are thinking that way:

1. God the Father
2. Christ the Son
3. The Holy Spirit
4. Yourself (peekaboo, you forgot that didn't you?)

History Making

History is made when people are saved by Jesus' salvation. Because our textbooks don't teach of history that lasts for eternity; the bible does. Everything honourable to the Eternal God will be history to be remembered, everything dishonourable will be mystery forgotten.

Glory

If I can do what I can do, then I am no different from another man.
If I can do what God makes me do, then God has made me different.
Galatians 1:1 Paul, an apostle - sent not from man nor by man, but by Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised him from the dead -

Hope

The end is here when hope is lost. That is why suicides take place; people have lost hope. But the people that always hope; they never cease to rebound.

Love

Love is not measured by how people respond, but by what's inside. Because God's perfect love can never be overcome by our imperfect love.

****

I aim two target growing points. Increasing my stature for the sake people who need to know that I care, and increasing my vulnerability for the sake of people who need to know that I care that they care about me.

One man can do miracles if God is by his side. I aim to be that man. And for the rest of the RPians, I aim for them to be that man/woman too. Come on, let's go get it RP.

#80 A Flawed Bunch Of People

2007-03-25T08:29:00.000-07:00

Flawed, you and I. So bad it hurts. An injury sustained by lack of information I can understand.

An injury with the full knowledge of the afflicter, it really hurts.

That day at service, when I was right in front, I couldn't bear to jump around and praise God because of that pain in my heart. But when I prayed, it healed me and I became alive again. Now left here in the dark, it hurts and hurts and it just hurts.

Words don't make a difference at this point. Miracles do.

And I'm not emo.

#79 Now I Know Why...

2007-03-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

...Hmm... X_X"!

Some questions in my mind. Just makes me wonder what's real and what's not. And the true meaning of concern, thoughtfulness and family. And how can consistency be expected when consistency is not seen?

Lately I've been feeling like a dumping ground for work. I'd very much like to contribute, but it just rattles me when that contribution seems to be taken too far. Maybe I'm petty, maybe I expect too much? But I'd like to excel over just getting something done for the sake of it.

And tell me if this is a dangerous thought: I'm not perfect myself, so I should just let it be.

Because when I start to think logically, emotionall passively, the alarm lights just keep flashing non-stop. How, how, how...?

God, inspire me, don't let me lose my love for what I do due to such reasons. Let not the discouragements dampen, but the encouragements strengthen.

What's to become of the things we left behind?

#78 I Wanna Be An English Guru!

2007-03-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you read it right. I want to be an English expert.

But then again, there are times I want to be an award-winning director, a successful video editor, even an entrepreneural trail-blazer!

But today? Well, today I just want to be this:

A superhero.

In any case, I've got to prepare myself to go to a friend's house. I think I'm out of my mind; I offered to help my friend complete his work quota at not cost. The poor fella(s) got to work overnight tonight! So yeah...

But that's what friends are for!

In any case, Generation Next 2007's going to be a blast!

You absolutely have got to catch the film editing showcase on the 27th of March '07!

#77 Musings

2007-03-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

Thank God, THANK GOD for finding Jerrome's handphone!

And thank God for that super helpful (store manager?) Long John Silver (PS) staff! Jerrome left his phone and we managed to get it back after going back when we realised he had lost it.

It put a smile on his face, and that really warmed my heart! Jerrome was looking fluster wahahaha bro! Then I remembered the bond the original four sheeps of Alvin (by order of accepting Christ/rededication in May/June 2005, Windez, Jerrome, Darryl, Heng Yu) had in the year 2005. Waiting for everyone of us to have our food in front of us before starting to eat. caring for each other even though we could be at loggerheads. Putting ourselves down to face each other's problems and solve them as a team. This was true solidarity!

I guess we forget times along the way, but I'm glad the de javu came when it did; right when everyone was flustered. :)

And then as I was on the train home. *BAM* Ideas flowed. Social project involving my two loves, one inborn, one acquired; books and film. Target audience? Children with special learning needs. Advantages? Dynamic, entertaining, appealing to both the visual and the auditory senses.

Wonder how it's going to work out. Ha ha.

It started with an extension onto my FYP, when I realised it could also apply to helping society!

No matter how sappy, emo, angry, happy, sad the song you listen to, your existing emotion will determine how it affects you. For example, if I'm happy, a high-powered song brings me EVEN HIGHER!

And... I WANNA SHOUT OUT LOUD! SHOUT TO THE WORLD. THAT I WILL BE VICTORIOUS, BECAUSE THE VICTOR IS WITH ME, GUIDING MY HAND, WATCHING MY STEPS!!!

You know why I love the song Shooting Stars by Home Made Kazoku? Because it's a song of hope.

#76 Busted - Year 3000

2007-03-19T20:17:00.001-07:00

@_@

#75 Shooting Star by Home Made Kazoku

2007-03-19T10:30:00.001-07:00

What can I say, I like it.

Shooting Star by Home Made Kazoku

#74 Cannonball by Damien Rice

2007-03-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

Cannonball by Damien Rice

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on
There’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer these days
And I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer each day
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon..

Stones taught me to fly
And love just taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

#73 Found My 3 Gigabyte Cache Of Missing Songs

2007-03-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, slightly more, because it's zipped up.

And right now the instrumental music's really helping. Never mind that it's all chinese love ballads. The saxophone rocks.

I've long resigned myself to the fact that I won't be a world-class saxophonist.

But that doesn't mean I won't enjoy the music it makes.

Right now I'm feeling less than enthusiastic about being a world changer.

Convince me I'm wrong.

#72 ...

2007-03-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking far too much I guess. Honestly, I didn't know what came upon me there and then at the infocounter after service. I just felt so flustered. So tired.

Insomnia. And when I do fall asleep, I'm hounded by nightmares and wake up even more exhausted.

13 hours of unrestful sleep seems such a waste.

#71 I'm A Kid Through And Through

2007-03-09T18:35:00.000-08:00

The new Hard disk drive's working fine; the only problem is that I've already used up 10% of the space! *gosh*

Anyway had a wonderful time looking through my works; super funny.

I recall the different shooting/editing mistakes; it's a pity I don't have the source files now; I was so @_@ at what I can improve on:

The video quality, the mis-cuts, the sound fades, the lame jokes, the bad acting (by me of course; I can't act for nuts!), and the keyframe animations.

What a trip.

I guess that's what passion's all about.

And a shoutout to Yin Luan, thanks for the video comments! *Die* It's not supposed to be revealed so early! Don't tell anyone until after today!

#70 I Feel Like A Dumb Grinning Geezer

2007-03-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

Or an over-pampered brat.

For once, I feel like I have everything.

You know why?

'Cos gifts given in love and felt in love are ten times better than other gifts.

My bro bought me an external hard disk drive, 100GB space.

May not be much but.

I'm grinning ear to ear.

From the left to the right, and right to the left.

Sorry, haven't felt this way in ages.

A little respite from growing up.

Yeah! *_*

Note to self:
FYP meet tomorrow.
Wrap up video.
Plan work schedule.
Grow fat.
Praise God.
Spread the blessings.

Someone's birthday coming in two days' time.
I'm going to gatecrash.
For those who know, SHHH don't tell Darryl a.k.a. MachoHunk I'm coming.

#69 Nightly Phantasmal Incursions

2007-03-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

Am I going crazy? Nightmares, nightmares. Getting weirder by the night. Cutting short my natural restorative mechanism. Is this depression, depravity, or just a passing phase?

Seeing your loved ones get torned to bits by sin night by night isn't exactly restful sleep.

Could it be just me?

#68 Nightmare

2007-03-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

Some kind of sick joke.

What exactly's the bother?

#67 Learning Point

2007-02-28T05:39:00.000-08:00

Try surviving day by day (excluding transport, meals at home, clothes and other daily necessities available at home) working for your pay. It's an eye-opener; taught me a lot.

It's been over a week since I stopped taking allowance. Am living frugally, though I must admit I feel much more well provided financially than when I took my allowance.

You don't have to be rich to be satisfied. You've just got to learn to sacrifice wants for needs and be thankful for your daily bread.

Time to increase my tithing! ^_^

P.S. The HopeRP Karaoke Competition; Coming your way this April. ;)

#66 Don't Wanna Be Caught In Between

2007-02-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

The way pieces of ham are between a sandwich.

I wanna talk. Crap if I must, lest the whole pile of garbage crumble upon my head.

You see, it's not because I don't want to be firm, or that I want to blame or demand. It's just I can't carry anyone else's burden. It's your own duty to solve your own problems. I might have the heart to help, but it's just not meant to be. So do us both a favour, and take control of your own life.

It's about stewardship. Recognising you don't own anything; everything you have belongs to God. Serve with the 100%.

I'll always care.

****
There once was this church which had a lack of parking space. They then decided to seek permission from a tenant occupying the garage adjacent to the church building to allow them to make use of the garage parking lot every sunday, with just one condition.

The garage owner agreed to let them use the parking lot for 51 Sundays a year, on the condition that the parking lot be locked up on the remaining 1 Sunday.

When probed for the reason, the garage owner replied, "I just want you all to know that you don't own the parking lot."

****

Don't take for granted anymore.

#65 Windez's Top 5 Favs (Mandarin)

2007-02-26T09:36:00.002-08:00

See posts #60 through #64.

1. 保佑我 by 张智成
2. 被风吹过的夏天 by 金莎 & 林俊杰
3. 千里之外 by 周杰倫 & 費玉清
4. 恋爱达人 by 罗志祥 & 徐熙娣
5. Twinkle by 罗志祥 & 幸田来未

" Windez's " looks weird. I prefer Windez without the apostrophy-s.

So,
How the top 5 thingy + youtube link idea come about:

I wanted to test youtube's direct-to-blog video posting capabilities.

And the rest, as they say, is history. Anyway, enjoy! ;)

#64 罗志祥 and 幸田来未-Twinkle

2007-02-26T09:36:00.001-08:00

#5 goes to Twinkle, yet another duet!

#63 恋爱达人

2007-02-26T09:13:00.001-08:00

#4 goes to 恋爱达人!

#62 千里之外

2007-02-26T09:12:00.001-08:00

#3 Goes to the Jay Chou/Fei Yu Ching duet, 千里之外!

#61 被风吹过的夏天

2007-02-26T09:04:00.001-08:00

#2 Goes to 被风吹过的夏天!

#60 保佑我张智成

2007-02-26T09:02:00.001-08:00

My favourite song COUNTDOWNS!

#1 Goes to 保佑我张智成!

#59 A Song

2007-02-26T07:33:00.000-08:00

歌曲名称：保佑我
歌手名称：张智成

我住在巷口那间28号的房间
我对窗了望就是一片海岸线
衣也旧房子也旧一晃就是二十年
只有包长寿香菸一些老音乐
我床底还收著一双女人鞋
那太值得怀念的一年
那太值得珍惜我们之间
有些愿望希望实现
在有生之年

保佑我
能有天越过那片海岸线
保佑我
能有个巧合我们再遇见
保佑我
到最後还能认得她的脸

(请祢)保佑我
她不会比我难过
我希望她能比我更好过

In case, just in case you think I'm Mandarin illiterate. :P

JOKE! This song rocks!

Then again, don't ask me to read the lyrics out. LOL

#58 Today

2007-02-26T02:09:00.000-08:00

I'm working.

It's good.

Keeps me from thinking.

#57 Reflection

2007-02-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

Today was probably the worst day of my entire 18 odd years. The emotional turmoil was breathtaking in a bad way.

Still I praise You.

When words fail you. When deeds fail you. When thoughts fail you. There He is.

So many times today I thought it was the last straw. Thought I'd fall down and just die there. Contradictions, expectations. I didn't even want to take the next breath.

I didn't even want to take the next breath.

I didn't even want to open my eyes.

I didn't know how to face anyone.

Just, run. Away.

****

But amazingly, I did.

And how do I say thanks more to my uncle. Had an unplanned but extremely timely talk with him. We started off on common ground, about our love for video-making, slowly moving on to our faith and what he had learnt through being in Christ and in seeking after God. Their whole family's saved.

But it's at these times you know, you just want to run into their arms, jump into the comfort zone and bask in their protection.

But you see, this doesn't last. True, you might feel totally on the edge when you are out in the storms. But live in that safe area, and you'll die in that safe area. Because no one can go through it if you don't.

What I've learnt from today, what I've learnt from before, only confirms that statement.

Still, teach me. Because I can't go on living on inspiration.

#56 The Highs And Lows

2007-02-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

Of an overactive-imagination, an adrenaline-pumped body that's sore all over, a overworked brain full of worries and a tinge of human forgetfulness.

Perfect. I feel like sleeping. Sleep it all away.

Oh wait, did I say it earlier?

It's all my fault.

#55 It Spoke To Me

2007-02-21T04:12:00.000-08:00

That seemingly endless blob of infinity. A deluge of harsh words; words that cut to the very depths of my soul. I could tell from the corrupted and unforgiving way it minced its words, along with my self-dignity, that that wasn't the voice I seek. The voice of truth was drowned out by the voice of circumstance, and of opportunity.

Malice.

Yet those troubles that seared warranted little attention.
Yet those troubles that seared warranted little attention. As yet.

Surprising unity in the face of adversity. But what irony; if I had thought myself least, I'd thought others lesser than even that, if it was possible.

No wait, that wasn't what I needed to hear.

How do you draw the lines between compassion and pity? I can't. All I know is to do what I need to do.

Perhaps that's what makes me human, beautifully imperfect. Because I suddenly lose the definition of pain when I see someone else hurting.

Or do I? For a moment I felt the same way, even hopelessness.

And after a roundabout of mental mojo, I finally come to the conclusion. I was wrong all along.

What goes around, comes around. I feel much better already.

In any case. Sorry.

#54 Ever...

2007-02-21T04:04:00.000-08:00

Had that "It's all my fault" feeling?

It's all my fault.

#53 After A Day Of Visitation...

2007-02-18T01:00:00.000-08:00

I've only gone to one house. Blame it on my laziness. Going out somemore later. Lunar New Year, however, seems pointless, apart from filling our coffers with much-needed financial aid. That's true, until God comes into the situation. These are chances for us to overflow with His goodness!

Anyway I've got something cool to share about my maid, who is an exemplary character, despite not being a believer. One day, she was given the green light to make her way home while my parents went elsewhere. It was a rainy day, so she took an umbrella along. She arrived home with a cold. It turned out that on the way home, she saw someone who needed the umbrella, and so gave it up. Wow. o_O

Tell you a secret. I miss the RP gang. While we're all out visiting different places, I kind of thought back to the group. How I miss the laughter and games, the light-hearted banter. And then I stumbled upon this truth.

The past always seems to affect how we perceive our future. But it isn't so. God is a God of all, even time. And when we fail to see that, that's when past horrors come to haunt us.

And I thank God for the megatons of people who made my Lunar New Year day an awesome blessing by the simple smses and calls. You don't know how much it means to me... :D

#52 I Feel A Surge Of Jubilance

2007-02-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

What is this you are trying to say, Lord? :D

So much to accomplish, suddenly I don't feel the stress, burden, load or weight. All I feel is exuberance. Extravagant exuberance.

Music uplifts, but there is danger in over-indulgence. Coming to terms with our personal selves is indeed beneficial, yet in surfeit we become what is known as inward-lookingness. Everyone's got their own challenges, but the danger lies in becoming engulfed in our own troubles. If today God made you a leader, or an influence to the world, He definitely apportioned more than enough to flow through you to support others, more than you imagine. The start of fear, then, seems to be the end of that channel of blessings.

Now Playing - I Wanna Go by Rie Fu (I think)

It's land of milk and honey. It ain't pretty because it's pretty, but because I feel its pretty.

#51 Oh Yeah... Oh Yeah!

2007-02-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

Thank God for your store of GS and GSD songs, Rachelle. Well at least I found the long-lost songs! Somehow deleted them along with 3Gig worth of mp3 somewhere last year. I almost, *almost* broke down.

Anyway the day was spent video editing. I soon got smses with CNY/LNY greetings. I haven't sent any out yet, nor replied to any, because it's NOT the big day itself yet! There's still 16 minutes left!

So while the majority of the Chinese population are wolfing down great helpings of reunion dinner, here I am stoning away. My reunion dinner was last week.

And that's where Gundam Seed, Destiny soundtracks come into play! The grandeur of orchestra music and quality song-writing. The music itself communicates a tale, never mind I don't understand Japanese.

...

Deadlines...Deadlines! I'll grow through this, then bring others through the same journey! It's absolutely no fun going it alone!

I've found a new motivation for teaching, discipleship and mentoring;
Going through an adventure and then bringing people to see the magic of God at work in the process!

And if anyone is encouraged or as excited as I am, I won't refuse an offer for help!

#50 Speak.

2007-02-16T10:49:00.000-08:00

What an irony it can be that when something goes wrong, its an organisation's fault; no one wants to take blame nor take steps to rectify, as if the festering wound is incurable and beyond hope. I am ranting, yes I am, and at specific attitudes. The faster you run away from the problem, the faster it catches up. Don't kill yourself and bring others along with you. Are YOU stopping the blessings from others?

Then again, there are those who are so make my day.

Just had a nice long unexpected chat with Jodie on the phone with regards to our courses and our attitudes towards our FYPs and other projects. It just struck me; the reason why I feel the way I do is because;

I feel untested, yet there is too much to lose if I fail, in the projects that I am undertaking. Yet, just yet, God is in control, which is why I'm still sane and going strong. Very encouraged even. And then there was Dao's Lunar New Year greetings. A very caring brother; I've seen him grow to care for me, and surprise me with the ocassional outburst of joy. Glad you're in this with me together; JIA YOU! And Jerrome's really heartfelt concern for me all through the week. Can see la, your language of love is obvious. :P But still, remind me of the things that I forget! And the many others who blazed a trail of history upon the pages of my life.

I can't imagine being the Windez I am now, yet I don't regret leaving Khian Wui behind. To be more Christ-like.

Speak into my life.

Overdue.

I'm not ready to throw away the message of salvation and gospel of peace. :)

Question: If you were the only one left in your campus ministry, apart from a new believer, would you take up the cross/cause and soldier on?

I could make it more detailed and frank, but it wouldn't help, would it?

#49 Calling All Budding/Aspiring Video Crew!

2007-02-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of formulating a small team of video cameramen/editors/scriptwriters etc. Going to draw upon my research and lessons learnt in RP. That's one of my goals for this year. I'm going to have to discuss this and re-plan my timetable, but the inspiration arose from the demand. A few upcoming video projects, and a few filmfests I want to enter, though not necessarily as part of the production team.

The catch? It will have to be within my timetable, which is limited, and there will be a few genres that will be focused, in great part due to my limited technique and exposure, as well as the limitation of equipment.

Above all, it will be a boiling pot of God-fearing, God-seeking and God-loving Christians who happen to love video production! Honestly I'm fearful, but God can use the willing! AND NOW...

A little request... pray for me, for RP and for the video crew plan because...

I am only human.

You know, I enjoy hearing God speak, but the more He speaks, the more fearful I am. The challenges are great, but I have faith in Ephesians 1:3

:)

Prophesy to the dry bones.

#48 Fire Fall Down

2007-02-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

On me. Burning coals. For I deserved not what You have established in Your name. For your Promise was great, Your deposit was set in abundance, Your patience is unending. The lack that I have You gave and more. The words that I needed, You gave, and convicted. The people that supported, You nurtured and unleashed. And the power of Your Holy Spirit speaks unto my soul in my deepest need for food that is You. And I believe that all blessings is upon me. The newness you have refreshed and restored weren't myopic; today is the time of fulfilment.

Let me only ask that out of Your riches You give me Agape. Love not like that of earthly romantic love, but perfect love that convicts and instructs, love that's neverending. This Valentine's Day, You are my valentine. This Wednesday, You are my source.

And I will go in courage.

P.S. Heng Yu, Darryl, Jason, Nehemiah, Jovin, Sharon, Elaine, Mei Yun, Liyan, it was fun while it lasted. You all rock my world!

Eph 1:3, Eph 1:11-14 The Living Word speaks, I'll abide.

#47 Un-Passive.

2007-02-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

It sucks to know what you've been come haunting you again. Truthfully I ask myself, have I lost the little things that matter? Going back to the basics is hard. I don't want to be passive. I don't want to hide anymore.

It's about not leaving me high and dry, lost in a turvy of uncertainty.

Woke up extremely late. Missed the procession, missed the airport send-off. Thank God I didn't miss the reunion dinner.

Encouraged by the words my fellow believing cousins shared. All of them, serving in the same church, bonding as spiritual siblings and physical cousins. But my God is faithful to me; the people I have in Hope and the platform for ministry I have points me to a different path but the same end as them.

I'm not going to leave anyone high and dry if I can help it.

#46 3 Years...

2007-02-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

Second last day of classes. I miss '04 4E2. Such an untimely, unorthodox event brought us back in contact together. And even before the end, I already miss '06/07 E37E. A wonderful class; though we rubbed shoulers, the sentimentality was more than I could bear. A kudos to all our facilitators for making it an amazing experience; Amy, Luke, Varian, Shaun.

The irony of it all is at the start of the holidays, I see myself with more at hand than when the school term first started.

1 Sam 20:17 And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself.

Speak, and we shall behold You.

#45 Laptop's Back, So What?

2007-02-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

Counting the losses. Counting the opportunities. Counting the make-or-breaks.

It's funny how what you feel is the most secure, crumbles like a leaf in the wake of a storm. Well, time to get up and pick that leaf; that very leaf which brought me unto eternity. If there were a great reason to be grieved about or to fight for, I truly believe it is this.

Only one problem. I feel far.

It's queer. Just so queer. So many things happening. But we need to get together in strength. The real break comes when we sever ties even with the family that's supposed to grow with us unto eternity.

Come on, wake up, stop deluding yourself; you're already so drunk in the Devil's clutches. Losses are meant to be floggings that beat us into shape. The real victory is ours. Lets not settle for second best.

#44 Too Long..

2007-02-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

Oh how I miss my bloggie.

And my laptop's dead. Finally. So now it's at Acer's Repair Centre waiting to be dissected and then inspected for the cause of its demise.

I miss my laptop.I miss the Gigabytes of songs in it. I'm really blessed to have copied down 240mb worth of songs in my (brother's old) mp3. At least God left me with some spiritual songs.

Today's CG rocked. Thank God for my shepherd. I felt the sincerity in his ministering and that helps so much more in meeting God today at CG. It's been ages since I've not led a role and that has been an experience itself. Sometimes you're too highly strung up trying to minister, you forget to be ministered.

I've hit a crossroads in my ministry and I'm now poised to make certain decisions. Ah... Decisions... decisions. Got that urge to run away, but this time I'll be standing still and facing it. That's why I've accounted here!

And thank God for you Jason. Lots to share to you, and I hope you will share with me too. I'm glad for the chat at CG, but it's just way too short. I'd like very much to tell you my secrets and stuff, to trust you as a shepherd and a sheep. :)

God's Grace. And God's Truth. I've always been the kind that felt I needed to be vindicated. Born feeling like every part of me's dirty. And then I withdrew.

I'm glad that's all changed.

You know, the life on Earth's just a passing dream. If we lose that perspective of eternity, of conciousness beyond mortality, we'll just be like anyone in history. Forgotten.

I'm glad I'm worth more than that.

****

And a little more about me.

I'm all about people; I can't stand being alone all the time.
Yet I sometimes love being alone and have an illogical fear of people.

What a contradiction.

But then again, God, You use people like that...! :D

#43 A Foregone Conclusion?

2007-01-28T06:33:00.001-08:00

Its a fight for survival.

#42 The Perfect Breakdown

2007-01-24T08:10:00.000-08:00

Today marks a milestone. First time I broke down totally. Looking back, I should have seen it coming.

In any case 2007 is proving to be a very very difficult year.

Difficulties > Windez

When will I look downward to myself enough to look upward?

"Cry In My Heart"

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
Yet I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of my head

God I pray You lift my head up. It's way too heavy for myself alone...

Way, way, way, way too heavy...

#41 I Just Met A Few Incredible People

2007-01-21T02:54:00.000-08:00

Co-running a business with her mom. Sensing the drive and energy in her voice as she introduces herself. And her brother, who was supposed to be a pilot, giving it up just to help out with his mom's Indian curry business. Fortitude in solidarity.

Running away from home, picking up the pieces, building a life of his own and a family he loves. Looking at situations as opportunities, exemplifying Positive Outlook. Being emotionally stable in all circumstances. Learning from others' weaknesses and making them his strengths.

It just makes me feel like a punk. For a moment I felt ashamed, yet honoured to meet such people. You know the amazing thing? They aren't brothers/sisters-in-Christ, I suspect.

So what can I not do, if even people in the world can be like that?

I went down to pay my dad a little surprise visit at his stall at the National Library and met with an exchange that changed my perspective of "attitude VS situation". Mind-blown.

#40 I Marvel...

2007-01-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

At the two-dimensionality of words. As an avid writer myself, it's an irony. But then again, it depends on who writes it. The stuff I write, as an imperfect being, comes up short. But time and again I'm amazed by the stuff He wrote so long ago that exists in my life as fact.

I should have known this would happen, ya?

And a voice speaks," C'mon, get up dude. There's more to see, do and experience. Life's awaiting."

I'm loving angels instead.

#39 Never

2007-01-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

Never have the time to fix a new blogskin.
Never have the time to pick up things long overdue.
Never have the perseverance to finish almost anything in my life.

Except for this race.

Because now,

Never going to say die.
Never going to let anything be bigger than Him who is biggest.

It's hard picking up the pieces. But there are people that care.

Thanks for the many phone calls Linus.
Thanks for that exuberant attitude Jerrome.
Thanks for that endless worrying for the rest and I, Timothy.
Thanks for that @_@ make me smile thingies Pearline.

Thanks for everything, everyone!

Emo-kid needs to grow up, not old.
Learn to persevere for a change.

Just as fear unto fear,
And tears unto tears,
So Spirit unto Spirit,
And Love unto Love.

<3> than :(

#38 Don't Ask

2007-01-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

Shit.

There's that dizzying feeling...

Like the walls are closing...

And I don't want to be asked, what's the matter...

It's just swirling, swirling...

I'm sorry...

God I know You are with me. See me through. How can I truly be sound-minded after 18 years? Everything seems heavier.

Don't take my word. Break it.

#37 Overdue

2007-01-10T17:10:00.000-08:00

Grrr I couldn't update earlier because:
#1 Blogger was down two days ago
#2 I was too busy one day ago

Anyway... Some interesting happenings:

Tuesday 9 Jan, 2007

Met James up at Orchard. So funny. We discovered we're both from the western part of Singapore, so perhaps we could arrange meetings nearer to home. Anyway, we were discussing on something very interesting...... THE POLY/DI GEN-NEXT 2007 CAMP! It's coming soon so...

...So after the meeting we headed towards Bukit Panjang where James had his maiden attempt at sitting by the roadside eating dinner. I quite enjoyed it. Where's the picture ah, James?!

***Did you know: James calls me Windef. o_O***

*****

The Pledge (West)

We, the citizens of the Western coast
Pledge ourselves as one united people
Regardless of race, language or religion
To build a well-fed society
Based on night snacks and late supper
So as to attain chubbiness, prosperity
And progress for the food chain

*****

Felt retarded and inspired; you tend to come up with such things when that happens. Anyways some of us westerners were planning a Western supper league in response to the blatant aggression from the Eastern camp (Re: Nel). So, ya. It's WAR!

That was crap.

I just get hungry easily, and I used to have supper with my secondary school mates so, ya. And its time to restart the inter-poly mahjong sessions! I crave mahjong!

#36 Unravel

2007-01-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

The sound of beating air.

Punch.

Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.

I like the feel of jumping down from a tall height feeling the wind brush against my arms. At the tender age of 10, it mattered not whether I broke my leg. I was a rash young boy. Yet these few days seem to bring numerous deja vu. A lot of the old Khian Wui.

My parents say I was cute. :X

Whoooosh...

Windez -> Wind + Desire.

I desired to be free like the wind.

#35 Meeting The Flock!

2007-01-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

Aiyo Aiyo Aiyo...! I think I lost my reputation with Wei Siang le. LOL, sheepo! Even though I not sure if you read my blog, its been a long time since we met and had such a fruitful time! Super long chat but I got to know you better! Jia you for the BLM at Bangkok and I pray that I will guard myself so as to be of support to you too!

And to Jason and Heng Yu; Ya all rock! Really glad to serve in RP ministry with ya all. We are a covenanted bunch in Christ. Let's live Him in us!

Nehemiah, glad to have you as a fellow servant-hearted brother. One thing which really amazes me is your transparency and resilence... RP2 will grow. I pray that RP1 will grow too!

And a shout out to the rest out there. You all, everyone of you mean the world to Jesus. Even if you may be an unbeliever, one who doesn't believe that one man-God died to save your life, truth is He did. Every drop of tear you shed He gave you. Every ounce of strength you exert He weaved into your body. Every touch of beauty you have He lovingly bestowed upon you. And I may not know you but I know something wonderful is brewing within and awaits you if you were to open the door of your heart to Him. For the rest of the believers, we are one in Christ!

'Cos I made a stupid mistake... A stupid mistake.

Had a good chat with Xin Ying while doing duty on at the infocounter on Saturday. We were talking about how the Uni and Poly/DI people don't mix around much despite us all being from the Tiertary Service. Considering we are one, we should initiate to grow and advance as one! And RP shall take the lead ya? Let not anyone who agrees sit and not do anything! Storm the gates!

You sing all around. But I never hear the sound.

Help. Me. Be. More. Like. U. Jesus.

#34 Inspirational

2007-01-04T08:33:00.000-08:00

Heng Yu. You are stronger than you think. :)

Stronger than me even.

Thinkhappythoughts.Thinkhappythoughts.Thinkhappythoughts.

Just like you said. :)

My mom apologised to him...

It takes to hands to clap.

*Edit* Oh and, thanks for the prayer, you little buddy. Melted my heart.

#33 Hungry.

2007-01-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

Hungry.

Sleepy.

Dreamy.

But there's that little sensation somewhere in my brain that says I've forgotten something.

I always seem to.

#32 Peace... Please?

2007-01-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

Every negative sensation is multiplied. I don't know if it's a human nature thing; when you start to fear, you start to imagine and magnify. Old wounds seem to resurface and old issues catch up.

I don't want to fall into the sin of hopelessness; I just want to be frank about what I am feeling. God in the Bible was never negative; He was only frank about the situations and the future tidings of His people. But yet there is a fine line; something in my state I'm not sure I can identify?

I feel like an 18-year-old with the retreating mentality of a 10-year-old.

How we react to our situations make all the difference.

But just the way after every fight, there's still work to go to the next day for my parents.

So is there a campus to win after every situation.

#31 What Are My Hands For?

2007-01-01T06:50:00.000-08:00

I'm shivering. God, You put me in this situation, I know You'll get me out.

Yet another time I felt helpless...

#30 Its A Sad Thing

2006-12-29T06:19:00.000-08:00

Does anyone really care? About this dying legacy.

I know I do. And I know one or two who do; I can see it in their actions; feel it in their presence.

I'm so sad right now. The place you put most of your hope in, most of your energy in, most of your life in, most of your worrying in. I have an inkling of when the Israelites turned away from God; it hurts bad. Not like OUCH. But beyond words.

This is not mine. This is ours. What's so rotten that even the foundation is shaken? Don't do this to yourselves...

It isn't difficulty after difficulty. It's opportunity after opportunity. Don't let it slip, have a paradigm change.

Please. If it requires me to beg then I BEG YOU!

#29 My Three Birthday Wishes And A Little More

2006-12-21T09:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a long day. A dichotomy within; a special day , yet just like any other day. 21st. And reaching 18 (the coming of age), is over-rated.

I realised there are things for me to learn today.

Wish #1: That RP would grow in Spirit and in Truth. We would understand more about the Word and hence be rooted in the Word. That emotions do not lead us astray as easily as it does at times. RP is not the place for emotions and pride. RP is the place for a holy harvest.

Wish #2: That the friends that were there with me on that fateful, God-given day, 19th December 2006, Stanley, Cedric, Lester, Heng Yu and myself; we'd all be serving in love long after. I saw the effort they put in and can't help but feel guilty. I was late; I was affected by the rain but they weren't. That day proved at least one thing; status or what others see me doesn't matter; only what's inside me. And that day, sadly, I wasn't up to the grade.

You know, brothers, keep up that zeal for God, there are endless possibilities...

I know, I know, a bit self-bashing. But it's the truth.

And finally, the one my shepherd asked. Ha ha, to dispel rumours;

Wish #3: I wish that 21st December would be a new beginning inside. Deep down I know these few weeks in holiday-mode have not been good. It's the decisions I made, the things I did. I wish I were more faithful. I wish I'd taken the harvest with as much urgency as I had taken my birthday, sadly. Time is not going to turn back. You see, I really wanted to do great things. But this time, I let the "I don't know how" excuse affect me.

Now I don't want to know how. I just want to do it.

Faithfulness. I never really grasped it as well as I thought.

And today I felt very empty. I had wasted the day. You see, I thought spending time playing computer games with my brothers and catching up with my parents and granny would have been wonderful. It turns out that after having known Christ, all these are not enough. Because inside I was longing to do something more, something lasting. The only time I felt not wasted was the QT and the confirmation.

So very different from two years ago. Nevertheless I thank God for everyone who wished; everyone who wished me happy birthday, even those whom I (regretly) forgot...

Perhaps this is what turning 18 means.

And still you gave me consolation. Appreciate the supper, my Father. :)

#28 Birthday Bash!

2006-12-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

19th Dec.

Party @ Lester's house w/ Heng Yu, Cedric, Stanley, Lester & Yours Truly.

The weather was crappy, but we had lotsa fun. Lunch cooked by Lester.
#1 Deep-fried French Fries
#2 Stir-fried Spaghetti
#3 Deep-fried Chicken Wings
#4 Boiled Broccoli(JOVIN!) & Carrots
#5 Grilled Chicken(WHOLE)
#6 Fresh Watermelon(NEL!)
#7 Blended Fruit Juice

& A Chocolate Cake to top it all!

One word to describe it all: MESSY!

[Disclaimer->Paraphrased, no harm intended]
Lester: Hey, since no sisters here, we eat it the men's way.
Yours Truly: Sure!

We gobbled the food with our hands. I karate-chopped the birthday cake. Lester mixed all the 7 different types of food/drink together and put it in his mouth, only to spit it all out.

QUOTE: It tasted like fart! LOL!

20th Dec

Went out to Novena with my bro for a haircut late in the evening. Missed it, 'cos the place took last order 15 minutes earlier.
Met Heng Yu there, and travelled down to City Hall, where my bro left us.
Met Alvin at his workplace at Marina Square.
Left the loser (Alvin :x) and went for the haircut. Heng Yu went off to shop.
****Haircut: Got a shock of my life. Ask me why!****
Left the place slightly shaken, met up with Heng Yu, went off to watch him eat Subway.
Left alone (Alvin ps-ed me to go free makan with his boss) to meet Brian @ Bukit Timah for dinner/supper. Crossed the 12 midnight barrier.

FINALLY!
I can buy alcoholic drinks!
I can go clubbing!
I can ... learn driving!
I can ... uhh ... but I don't do those!

diao, seems like 18 ain't what it's made up to be.

#27 JOY SHOULD BE SHARED OUT LOUD!

2006-12-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm excited! You know why?

Miracle #!: My buddy Jun Wei's mother recevied Christ on Sunday!

And I'm jealous in a joyous sort of way. Want to make that happen in my household too! My brother shall be first! This year!

That's not the only miracle.

Miracle #2: A 90 year old lady shared the Gospel to her.

We should be ashamed. Look at her. That's a true legacy. She ROCKS MY WORLD! The 90 year old with the faith of a new born. That's so blessed!

I've decided. GO GO GO ALL THE WAY!

Thank God I'm out of my emo-mode!

Out in just two blog posts! Hee~

#26 There Are Feelings In The Air//A Poetic Incursion

2006-12-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

For me, it's a meandering course of vibes. A dose of trepidation, a jab of enervation.

I seemed to have stopped time. Or so I thought.

Well that's because...

My watch has stopped.

I don't know when that happened. but it stopped exactly at 12 sharp. AM or PM I don't know. All it says is 12.00 & 43 seconds.

And that episode amused me so much I kept hallucinating I was in the middle of a crowd and suddenly everything stopped.

It's most probably my brain that has stopped. Oh boy, the weeks have been hard on my grey matter. Seems my hair's greying even. Or not, again I don't know.

****

I walked in. Silence. Bound by the fifth dimension. It isn't the absence of it, but sound, I guess isn't audible in the span of a moment.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

On good days, I'd pass it by without giving it a thought. This was definitely not a good day, I think. I tried to breathe. Seems like systemic movements freeze in frame as well. Then I stopped, straining my ears for a heart-beat. Who was I kidding; I already said it was silence all around.

The purity of whiteness all around.

Purer than bleach ever could. Purer than the purest white on earth. So white that I can't explain it. Just, well, you know, white. Up till this point I hadn't gone as far to think of the consequence had it all only been my brain. Emptiness.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

No, I don't think so. Flashback to when I "walked in." I hallucinated the sound of my footsteps upon cold hard parquet. "Clop, clop," or whatever you call it. The echoes seem to reverberate into the deepest recess of my... belly?!

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

And people these days kill themselves to kill themselves. I mean in the area of calories, carbs and those ohsoyummy fats. FATS. I checked my sides and shrugged. Haven't got enough of them. I recall fitting into the (3 inch?) grill of my door and whimper. Hey, I want to be fat okay. It's a privilege.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

"Your tall."
"Hey, you are tall for your age!"
Yeah right, I'm the shortest son in my family. How's that for tall. Even my younger brother's a clear 1 cm taller than me. People say," The sky's the limit."

I say take to the sky and set your sights on the stars. And that's no dream; it's a lifestyle.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

Master of Time? No thanks, I'd rather be a servant of Jesus.

#25 De JaVu.

2006-12-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...

And I wonder why?

Quell that feeling.

""""""""
""-----""
" o o "
" () ' "
" = ' "
\____/

****

I dream a dream of the incredible. In this dream what I see I don't recognise. Yet what I see seems familiar, seems surreal. It's like the playground from so long ago that's been painted over time and again. Yet caught in between two dimensions I am.

In one, I see two children playing in the playground. One looks like myself, the other *one of* my brother*s*. Hmmm, funny, I don't see the other. The image is blurry; we seem to be having fun, yet having no emotion at all.

In another, I see myself. This one's far more blur. There's a greater variety of colour, of crimson, orange, yellow? There seems to be either blood, or fire, or a mixture of both around me. Corpses, maybe. I can't tell for sure. Seems to me I'm suffering, yet somehow I can feel beyond the image into the heart of "myself". There seems to be something within that heart there that drives me. My face is stricken into a contortion of pain.

And I, as in the real me standing looking at these two dimensions in my first person perspective, stands caught beyond both images, in an atmosphere of whiteness. There's just pure nothing here; the environment feels calm. Yet my heart pumps with nervous anticipation; I have to choose between either.

And then I "white-out".

Once again, time passed me by.

#24 The Holidays Have Started

2006-12-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

Unreal. Surreal. Whatchamaycallit. Weird things happening in my system. For firsts, my biological clock is skewer. Then there's that thing about the way my brain goes into overdrive. Sometimes it helps, because I don't actually think about anything because everything whirls past. But it just gives me that e-mode. Ya know, emo-mode.

Surprised myself the past few days. I was just walking past Seven-11 one day when I saw a pack of Milo cereal. To cut the long story short, I got my bro to buy it, plus some Milo drink cartons (the big ones, because I can't take milk). I tried it today. Almost puked. When sweet plus sweet comes together, its fine for a sweet-person (notice I didn't say sweet person). But it's too much for my taste-buds; I prefer bland stuff. So ya, I sort of died down there.

And just yesterday I saw a box of pandan cake at my dinner table nearing midnight. My eyes sparked and I gobbled everything up.

Pig.

In ten days.

I will be,

And I will pass,

For I will not be;

ARRGH. I still owe birthday presents. Oops.

#23 That Last Semestral Break

2006-11-29T10:05:00.000-08:00

It's all coming back now. The rush, yet the nostalgic feeling of slow moving time. I wouldn't call it laziness per se, because it really wasn't. We were working hard on SOWing; brought us some fruits last break.

Then there was the Kbox sessions. Suddenly June seems like yesterday. And I'm having this dangerous feeling that it'll be okay just slacking for a while... just... a while... Then I look into MSN and get a rebuke o_O.

Thanks.

It's amazing how God puts little wake-up calls in the weirdest places.

And then Take Me In by Kutless plays. Reminscing about the time when I asked if we could have a Kutless end praise. The rest had a good laugh at that. I was ignorant, but willing.

"Take Me In"

Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the Priests who sing your praise
I hunger and thirst for your righteousness
But it's only found it one place

[Chorus:]
Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

Give me that first love sensation. Give me that once in a lifetime feeling. Give me the Book that reads "Life To The Fullest" on the title, marking the chapters of my life in repentance within.

And thanks for that SMS, shepherd. :)

#22 EIGHT More Days...!

2006-11-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh I'm hyperventilating. Nervous. *pokes fingers at each other, Nel-style*

It will be a breakthrough in terms of planning, management, visualisation, execution, logistics, editing, praying, fasting.

It just takes my breath away; the I try to grasp at Time as it turns to dust, carried away on the tide of a gentle afternoon zephyr. I just realised it's been like 10 weeks since the Infocounter team reshuffle. Woah. And its 10 weeks into my school term. Another woah. And my birthday is fast approach. Yet another woah. You get the drift.

GROW! RP1 GROW!

#21 Amazing Grace

2006-11-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

Amazing grace, how sweet thy sound.

Redeemed. I never used to understand the extent of grace. Until the time came when I needed greater grace.

I dug away the walls, yet at some places, they became pot holes.
I ran towards the light, then got tired and lost myself in darkness.
I stumbled and sometimes I dragged others down.
I ran around the field searching for the sun, not knowing it stared down at me, if only I looked upward.
I bit the hand which fed me.
I grieved the heart which cared for me.
I sang a song of despondency, when victory came my way.

When I thought about grace;

#20 Proof That Windez Is Getting Bonkers

2006-11-26T07:27:00.000-08:00

NYP 100: Who Killed Santa?! says:
alright, thanks then!

a piece of cake for a mighty God. who.killed.santa.TWO says:
and thank God for ya... for being the ball!... wahhahaa this production is a faith-giving production

NYP 100: Who Killed Santa?! says:
the ball?!

a piece of cake for a mighty God. speaking of cake, im hungry! who.killed.santa.TWO says:
on the ball

a piece of cake for a mighty God. speaking of cake, im hungry! who.killed.santa.TWO says:
sorry

a piece of cake for a mighty God. speaking of cake, im hungry! who.killed.santa.TWO says:
oops

Yeah... OOPS!

#19 So It Seems

2006-11-22T09:39:00.000-08:00

Go here for something cool. Found the secret?

Bit by bit. Day by day. Question is, who's winning?

A little looney within.

#18 Just One More Month

2006-11-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

Time flies. Unquote from Timothy Alvin, "This very second... has just past. You are never going to get it back again."

29 days to my 18th.
24 days to Xmas service.
31 days to 2nd Xmas service.
39 days to the END of 2006.
20 odd people to see come to know God!

You know, I still remember that very day when hardships was prophesied in my life, specifically in the month of November 2006. And I'm going through some extremely uncool trials. Uncool because they seem to show me less and less of what I want to see in myself. The guys have been extremely supportive, that's for sure, but I want more.

I want to honour this bro;

Jason Nehemiah from RP, has been a great motivation to me, particularly in his innocent faith and excitement. It just comes naturally, and he grasps the kingdom of God firmly his hands. Way to go bro, lets jump to the next level together!

Testimony from CG:
Nehemiah (flashes out a $10 note).
"You know what's this?" he says.
"A ten dollar note," the rest reply. "Why, angel give you ah?"

"No la, I GOT THIS FROM A CONTACT; HE PAID UP FOR THE WHO KILLED SANTA 2 GAME LIAO! PRAISE GOD!"

And the rest, they say, is history. Suddenly no personal blessings can compare to that.

Oh and stay tuned for the Hope Republic website. ;)

#17 The Happy Ending

2006-11-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

I was just watching the last episode to this *insert if you know* series on Youtube. I won't say what series, just that you don't usually see teenagers watch it, only kids. So yeah. But anyway, the gist of it is how happy endings on broadcast tugs at the heartstrings of most people.

Happy ending...Happy ending. We all wish for one. Yet when it happens onscreen, it's a bittersweet thing; it feels good experiencing that feeling, yet when we get back to reality and it doesn't seem to be real at all.

But that's only when we forget to put God in the equation.

You see, we often forget that the battle's already won from the start. He did it, Jesus did it. By bringing us a relationship that actively sustains us, we are refreshed each time we enter His presence, and the natural leak that we have is constantly replenished. We become a little more like Jesus. And we grasp the victory firmly as it is. Confident faith.

Oh and I've got a little story to share, but I'll post it up tomorrow after RP2's CG. Hehe, visitation! Jia you!

****

I got a shock okay sheep. Don't scare me like that can?! >_< I got weak nerves. :x

Jesus I believe in You. Stop the work and show the child the rainbow. The rainbow fades, but the work doesn't go away. Help me personalise this.

#16 I Looked Back

2006-11-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

Heng Yu's at my house right now. Stayover, then go to school together tomorrow. It's going to be a load of a week for my shepherd and myself; you know what God's saying? RAISE MORE DISCIPLES! Greater responsibilities for humbler disciples. I want to be the faithful servant in the parable of the talents!...

****

When we customise God... What is true joy... Doing Church As A Team... Leaving A Legacy...

Seriously I should be shot. Rarely does the average Singaporean get an hour or two to read. Or do we? I posed this question back to myself. Often I spend valuable time on what should be done and not what must be done.

And when I turn back and re-read my notes, I realise the answers to most of my problems lay in that cache full of Godly treasures. It's true, we never understand after one reading. We need to refresh and reprint it not only in our minds, but more importantly in our hearts.

Oh boy, I'm such a sinner. And I firmly believe that if I put my 100% into this, I'd reap beyond 100% output (because miracles do happen).

The Spirit is willing but the body is weak.

I can try. Real hard.

Certain short-term goals:
1. Understand my situation to such a degree I know where I am with the snap of a finger.
2. Improve worship leading capacity. The Spirit is abounding in my heart. It's to release my life to Him.
3. Aspects of faith. Confident faith, persevering faith, active faith, firm faith, valuing faith.

Aim high, hit high.

A few testimonials:
1. My sheep got back into class after the school said he was out, by some miracle. God is good! And he's changing, he's trying, Jiayou bro...!
2. I see Jerrome's life-transformation in terms of response to situations. Even though he is not perfect, as with everyone else, he tries very much and I see his attitude is way better than before! Thank God for you brother!
3. Jovin just celebrated his birthday on Saturday. This bro has really impacted me a lot; very disciplined compared to me. We once agreed to stop playing DOTA together, to cure our addiction. I broke that agreement 3 times before succeeding; he succeeded without breaking that agreement; or at least not that I know of. Now we both haven't played DOTA since then.
4. My shepherd, Alvin, who tries without fail to disciple me, even though I bite him hard at times. I thank God he doesn't hold it against me; he tries even harder!
5. Cedric. Even though this brother's quiet with me around, I see he tries to communicate. The effort counts a great deal brother!

And a great deal of people I can't write now, even though their names burn in my heart; the footsteps they've placed in my life. The church isn't perfect, but it's moving towards perfection!

#15 I Feel So Blessed

2006-11-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

Thank God for my shepherd. Thank God for the shepherds in the world. I think shepherding is a wonderful system. I also think everyone who has a shepherd should squeeze everything out of their shepherds. Shepherds are there for a reason! Woohoo! Oops, getting self-high, ha ha. Anyway my shepherd rocks. Thanks for clarifying stuff that I'm unclear, showing me the blind spots. I'm sorry I can't be totally humble and deny my pride, but I'll try. Sorry!

Anyway, I suddenly feel so so so so so so blessed being a Christian, a follower of the true God. To have a direction to where I'm going keeps me focused, to refresh that with prayer and praise so it is kept sharp keeps me from growing cold with despair.

I had a 1 hour phone call with Heng Yu; he was sharing about the stuff he learnt at Promax Asia Awards; a really cool media awards ceremony I loathed to miss, yet because of priorities...ya. Anyway, he was talking about the stuff he's learnt there; about what's been happening in his life these few days; I can truly see he's trying. And because of that, I'm going to treat him to a meal. :D But that's not all. We've still got great times ahead of us! Great times to toil and serve together; times that will make history! Jia you sheepie!

And I just had a nice long chat with my elder brother over supper. It was a very simple, impromptu yet reconnecting one-to-one chat; we both updated each other of our lives. It was then I realised how changed I am as a follower of Christ. How different from what I used to be. We realised we were both facing similar issues in different settings. And I firmly believe (100% times 1000000000000 CHOP CHOP!) knowing God will benefit him so much in how he handles these issues; they've helped me a considerable bit. Jia you bro! You will overcome... but take time to see God working in even your issues too!

I WILL SEE YOU COME TO KNOW GOD!

END!

#14 Today I Celebrate Love.

2006-11-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

Woohoo. I feel so loved. Especially being rescued by God in a certain sense. You know, when trials come, you can feel them. And they show you how myopic you really are.

But let's not go on blowing the victory trumpets. I'm still in the middle of conflict. It's just, I see what needs to be done. What has to be asserted. What has to be relented. What has to take precedence over the other. What to drop, what to take control. It's going to hurt some people real bad. Pride-wise, but its good medicine.

Anyway, I just want to thank God for the following:

1. When it seemed perfectly impossible to reconcile the differences, the story came out quite well. Thanks Jit Min for the passion and drive to seeing it do well in class today. You rock bro!
2. A word into my life.

It's going to be a caustic week. Toes that have to be stepped upon have been stepped upon; there's bound to be backlash. Pray for me will ya?

#13 ???

2006-11-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

Grrr... :(

It's frustrating to be limited by my shortcomings okay...

Wake. Up. Don't. Fall. Asleep...

#12 The Stuff That's Happening

2006-11-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

We'll see how it goes. Honestly I'm doubtful on what's going on now. Got a plan in my head but, well, ya, I'm in no position to comment...

Anyway, I'm pretty excited/nervous etc... over Who Killed Santa 2! More details to be expected!

I don't feel like I've much choice. Perhaps it's a good thing. o_O

Had a wonderful time with the RP people yesterday; we had simple games and simple talk, but it did wonders for me inwardly. To reconcile myself with the reason I serve in Hope; not for myself, but for people and the One who loves them.

I'm starting to mellow (I hope) on my reactions towards things. Turns out when what I want to happen doesn't happen, or what I need to get doesn't come, I start to get mad. But really, I just want to do it to my best. Discouraged sometimes, you can say; but it comes out as frustration. This weekend came with the realisation that often, little or no control is in my hands (honestly, I just want to cry out that I have no control and I feel like a robot...); I just have to go along. And when I'm in the dark over most stuff, that's when it gets even scarier. I guess that's what's faith's about eh? And I sincerely pray that whatever I do, it will be the best of what I can come out with my limitations.

And then we had another simple mahjong gathering, Darryl, Jerrome, Elaine, Heng Yu and myself, at my house. Gosh, I needed the rest and the fellowship, as well as the subsequent prayer and sharing time. Makes me wonder, why am I so blessed to:

1. Be protected and supported by a group of friends who genuinely care for me.
2. Know it in my heart.

And I just want to shout out: Hallelujah!
And that's to the glory of God.

Lastly, I just want to know more about the people I am serving with. More about them inwardly than what I can see... More more more!

#11 Gaining Success By Giving Up

2006-11-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

It's so powerful. As I was walking home, I was just thinking about how much more I want to understand God.

It's when I give up control to God.

Doing beyond your physical limits just destroys your body and burns you out. Felt that first hand.

But help me flow with my people...

#10 My Apologies!

2006-10-30T07:43:00.000-08:00

Argh. Sometimes I just get to short-sighted. Lots of learning to do. Lots of inward-changing to do. Sorry shepherd! x_x...!

The more time passes the more I see I have to grow. It's just, sometimes I don't know how much I have truly grown, it takes effort and observation to see what I have improved more than what I can improve on sometimes. It's like, I've got so many areas in my life to improve all at once. I thank God I've learnt to stop myself from trying to be an octopus and really concentrate on one at a time.

And I really love my sheep. Water-baptised yesterday, born today (20 years ago, that is). Amazing eh? Ha ha. Jason, you rock! Really appreciate this brother of mine; he's really got a heart of gold; one to give up almost anything just to help another. Just don't get taken advantaged off! :D

Had a nice time at VivoCity with the RP DMM. Really wish I had remembered to bring my guitar; we could have our impromptu worship again. Oh well. Anyway I won't say what we did, just that it was awesome, ya? ;)

Which brings to mind the impromptu P&W worship cum games session yesterday! IT ROCKED! It's a pity I ain't too great with such a big group. I'm going to organize something like that again!

Excitement overwhelms. Let the Spirit temper my inside.

#9 I've Been Craving

2006-10-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

For God to open my eyes everyday. Every opportunity can be an opportunity the eyes of our hearts are opened. You know, people always say they get impacted when they go for overseas missions trips; the people are nice and the atmosphere is awesome. Here's a revelation:

Attitude made all the difference.

I don't see why we can't have explosive breakthroughs and growth within our local ministry. The main reason I see why people gain a lot overseas is because they expected it. There was a lot of hype and excitement generated and they expect to see God do something.

As a result, God can and does do something.

More often than not though, we take for granted the brothers and sisters around us. We forget that every experience, every encounter is a chance to learn. Then when someone does something that seems "no-link" or "extra", we see the action and criticise.

Rarely do we see the attitude behind it; wanting to do something different and out of the comfort zone.

And you wonder why God isn't doing something mighty in our lands, but others.

That's why, I'm prepared to give up certain things to ensure that chances are created, eyes are opened.

But there's a catch. I need to do it with God.

Isaiah 64:6 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Luke 1:35 The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.

****

Today marks the beginning of life for 4 brothers and 2 sisters in RP. Its a brand new sheet of paper for a brand new person.

****

Oh yeah and Death Note's pretty cool. ;)

#8 Is It True? Mutterings

2006-10-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

That when something wonderful by the Spirit is working within, we get this tingling sensation.

This powerful sense of the supernatural. This realisation that things are going to change? And that problems are solved, but we see a deeper level?

More I know, less I feel I know.

And I wondered why pain hurts less, and discouragement didn't last.

Your Hand must be upon me.

You're right. Courage is in faith.

Come now, help me complete this last assignment, then take me into soulful rest.

Hallelujah.

#7 A Little Thursday Retrospect

2006-10-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

Ups and downs. Opportunities or disappointments. Everything's a choice.

I'm praying for a miracle within.

#6 The Confession

2006-10-25T06:42:00.000-07:00

Woohoo! Somehow the man has found an artistic streak within him. And here are his creations, albeit unpolished. But after years avoiding the pencil and paper, as well as a history of failing all his art examinations and art assignments, voila...!

Revel in the masterpiece of Yours Truly. Need anything else be said? The classmates were shocked.

And so was himself. ^^"!

And now... *drum rolls* for the confession. The biggest fiasco of all time. Ever wonder why Yours Truly never posts pictures on his blog prior to this entry? Well the answer's simple.

He didn't know how.

Must have been the dumbest revelation since Peekaboo-I-See-You.

But anyway it's true.

'Nuff said.

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT. DO NOT PROCEED FURTHER IF YOU HAVE ALLERGIC REACTIONS TO NARCISSISM.

*********

Hiiiiiiiiiiaaa!

Oops... That's Fabian. Fabs as Luke calls him.

Yahoo! I must have been drunk or something, to pull off such a stunt at the infocounter on Service day. There must have been about a hundred odd faces staring back at me in bewilderment.

This is me. Looking pretty good I must say! And below's a profile shot of me, taken by Fabie so he could draw me. Seems the original prop *Yours Truly* was too fidgety for O' Fabie to properly sketch.

I couldn't contain my self-love. HA!

#5 I Wanna Explore

2006-10-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

Mortality. The topic of life and death has really piqued my interest since young. My childhood influences have always taught; fear it, for when it comes, and it will, you're going to lose it all.

But yet through the course of knowing Christ, He has shown how He has broken the power of death over humanity.

Yet, is there a lesson we can learn from mortality, applicable within life?

Of course.

Through the course of the past 2 weeks, I've just come to terms with my *extremely* limited strength. I don't mean the strength as in the ability to lift weights or what, but strength as in the ability to do things per se. In these 2 weeks, I've been getting frailer and frailer, kudos to that sheet of noxious gas in the atmosphere; haze.

So close. Mortality. Within the blink of an eye. You die.

****

But then a verse comes back strongly to me as I was walking back home from my dental appointment. It went along these lines:

Whoever loves his life will lose it, but the man who loses his life for me will gain it.

Then another thought just popped in my mind. If you read carefully in the Bible, none, none of the men who honoured God struggled to enjoy their lives on earth with riches when they learnt that they were about to die. They didn't try to travel around the world enjoying their last moments. Or buy all the security guards they could to protect them. Or better still, feign death and escape.

Jesus. Paul. John the Baptist. Destined to die, but they didn't try to fight it. They went along with it as sheep to the slaughter. And they were successful men. Real men.

How curious.

Matthew 16:25
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

Mark 8:35
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

Luke 9:24
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

Repeated at least thrice in the Bible. Confirmed by 3 of the Apostles.

****

Simple things like CTM, DMM, events, QT, shepherding, gatherings.

Do we live life like we should be served and attain the best service? Or do we live life as Jesus taught in Matthew 16:25, Mark 8:35 and Luke 9:24?

It just makes me feel ashamed. The answer was and is in front of me. The direction is clear; God's people, work to bless them, work to teach them, work to correct them, all towards God. DMM isn't just for chitchat. DMM is when we plan for the upcoming battle for God.

Thanks Jesus. I needed that.

#4 It Got Me Thinking...

2006-10-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered, if you've got the chance to change the past, how would you go about changing it? My Product Practicuum RJ was something along that lines. Initially I thought I'd just wipe off everything and start anew; you know, a clean slate? But yet, it just struck me hard in the gut as I was taking a shower;

I don't want to change the past, only my perspectives of what's past. History is a lesson we take in secondary school. And often times, we forget to bring it beyond the classroom. History is confined to the four walls of the school. But History in its essence as I've come to realise, is worth its investment many times beyond what we often grant its due. Examples?

The Bible is historical in nature.

And you know what I like about the past? It brought me to where I am right now. And I wouldn't trade it for a life I could choose. Assuming I went to another primary, or secondary school, or even another polytechnic, I might not have know the Jesus that I call Lord, God and Saviour. I'd not have met the friends I have around. Assuming I never made the boo-boos I did, I wouldn't have learnt pain, suffering, humility, trust, hard work and perserverance. I'd have the silver spoon.

When an eagle grows up, it has to soar. But if that eagle grows up not using its wings, when it's fully grown, life's going to be nigh impossible. Yes, its true. I dislike trouble. Yet without trouble, without overcoming the basic teenager trials; face it, I'm never going to be able to overcome the adult trials. And you know what keeps me going?

It's those guys and girls. Yeah. RP 1 + 2. Just had an awesome CG with them a few days ago.

And no, I prefer my voice without sore throat kay? ;)