#103 It Seems Too Much To Bear

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#102 Down Memory Lane

Its been far too long since I took time off with nature. So I took an approximately 1 hour walk along my neighbourhood, breathing in the night air. Everything's becoming more and more rushed, last minute and in a blur for the first time in a long while I felt at peace. The trail from my secondary school to my home brought back memories; of heaving my 10kg school bag (I was lazy to pack according to the schedule so I brought everything needed for the term) to and from school. I remembered racing home. I never did like crowds, so I rarely hit the malls. I remembered the small area we used to play street soccer, the result of which was holes at the knee-area on my upper secondary long pants. I also remember the times I'd take my bike past on fortnightly midnight expeditions to CCK.

And then when I reached home, the rush came back.

It just sucks not knowing where to go and how to get there and still be expected to follow.

Everything's not the same. Nothing's normal. Don't act like it is.

I have a penchant for running away from everything. Hiding behind that loathsome mask. Trying very much for the well-meaning attention to pass me by so I do not have to explain every single detail as if my life is under scrutiny.

I need air. But I don't to be thrown down a 20th storey building.

#101 Clueless

What should I say?

RP. RP. RP.

Not a CCA. Nor an IG. Not an events group. Nor a social gathering.

We should be something more.

Something is lacking.

And I don't know how to go about fixing it.

God. Fix a broken ME.

Brings me back to an old song by Backstreet Boys. The trip to Popular brought back memories of my old Discman, a hand me down from my parents, and my second CD.

Remember when we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood we'd never be
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

What can I do to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that I resemble
I cannot pretend that we can still be friends
Don't wanna be
Alone tonight

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know
I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

What can I do to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed we never knew
How did I fall in love with you?

Nostaglia beckons.

I choose sleep over the faded reverie.

#100 For The Record

I really don't need half-heartedness.

It just makes me sick.

Either you do, or you don't.

Everything else is insignificant.

#99 It's Alright Now

Two days ago, I bought 3 blank books.

Blank. Books. Interesting. Let's see what becomes of them.

Random mutterings and things I learnt:

I messed up real big on priorities.

Life tastes better with a pinch of salt in your wound.

Push and pull work in tandem.

I have reacquired the fear of crowds.

I may be there, but without a direction I am as good as not being there?

Expectations. Expectations. Expectations.

It's getting harder and harder to write here.

My brain works in overdrive far too much for my liking.

#98 Thanks.

For the replies. Sorry I seem like I don't appreciate it. I do.

*Shooting Star by Boyzone

No one seems to think too much of me here
And they're glad to tell it to my face
And they're right I am not suppose to be here
I'm completely out of place

Somehow there has got to be a reason
Even as I try to think it through
There's a bolt from the blue
And I see a shooting star
Set apart from all the rest
While the other stars are standing still
He's on a quest

Every night this shooting star
Dancing cross the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why

I feel so much better when it's night-time
That's when I can sort of disappear
When the sun has set and it's the right time
For pretending I'm not here

Sometimes I just stare up to the heavens
Wondering if the answer is inside
That's when I see the light
Of myself that shooting star
On his way to who know's where
He's so unlike all the stars
And he outshines out there

And this solitary star
Is an awful lot like me
On an endless search through time and space
For a place that won't seem wrong

If we both hang on for long enough
We both somehow are strong enough
We'll find out where we belong

Every night this shooting star
Dancing cross the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why...

It's a beautiful Disney song from Hercules the animated movie.

#97 I Sensed It

Someone is praying for me right now. It is not in vain. Please tag if you are the one and you visit this place.

12.34am Monday, 7 May 2007

And thank you.