#30 Its A Sad Thing

Does anyone really care? About this dying legacy.

I know I do. And I know one or two who do; I can see it in their actions; feel it in their presence.

I'm so sad right now. The place you put most of your hope in, most of your energy in, most of your life in, most of your worrying in. I have an inkling of when the Israelites turned away from God; it hurts bad. Not like OUCH. But beyond words.

This is not mine. This is ours. What's so rotten that even the foundation is shaken? Don't do this to yourselves...

It isn't difficulty after difficulty. It's opportunity after opportunity. Don't let it slip, have a paradigm change.

Please. If it requires me to beg then I BEG YOU!

#29 My Three Birthday Wishes And A Little More

It's been a long day. A dichotomy within; a special day , yet just like any other day. 21st. And reaching 18 (the coming of age), is over-rated.

I realised there are things for me to learn today.

Wish #1: That RP would grow in Spirit and in Truth. We would understand more about the Word and hence be rooted in the Word. That emotions do not lead us astray as easily as it does at times. RP is not the place for emotions and pride. RP is the place for a holy harvest.

Wish #2: That the friends that were there with me on that fateful, God-given day, 19th December 2006, Stanley, Cedric, Lester, Heng Yu and myself; we'd all be serving in love long after. I saw the effort they put in and can't help but feel guilty. I was late; I was affected by the rain but they weren't. That day proved at least one thing; status or what others see me doesn't matter; only what's inside me. And that day, sadly, I wasn't up to the grade.

You know, brothers, keep up that zeal for God, there are endless possibilities...

I know, I know, a bit self-bashing. But it's the truth.

And finally, the one my shepherd asked. Ha ha, to dispel rumours;

Wish #3: I wish that 21st December would be a new beginning inside. Deep down I know these few weeks in holiday-mode have not been good. It's the decisions I made, the things I did. I wish I were more faithful. I wish I'd taken the harvest with as much urgency as I had taken my birthday, sadly. Time is not going to turn back. You see, I really wanted to do great things. But this time, I let the "I don't know how" excuse affect me.

Now I don't want to know how. I just want to do it.

Faithfulness. I never really grasped it as well as I thought.

And today I felt very empty. I had wasted the day. You see, I thought spending time playing computer games with my brothers and catching up with my parents and granny would have been wonderful. It turns out that after having known Christ, all these are not enough. Because inside I was longing to do something more, something lasting. The only time I felt not wasted was the QT and the confirmation.

So very different from two years ago. Nevertheless I thank God for everyone who wished; everyone who wished me happy birthday, even those whom I (regretly) forgot...

Perhaps this is what turning 18 means.

And still you gave me consolation. Appreciate the supper, my Father. :)

#28 Birthday Bash!

19th Dec.

Party @ Lester's house w/ Heng Yu, Cedric, Stanley, Lester & Yours Truly.

The weather was crappy, but we had lotsa fun. Lunch cooked by Lester.
#1 Deep-fried French Fries
#2 Stir-fried Spaghetti
#3 Deep-fried Chicken Wings
#4 Boiled Broccoli(JOVIN!) & Carrots
#5 Grilled Chicken(WHOLE)
#6 Fresh Watermelon(NEL!)
#7 Blended Fruit Juice

& A Chocolate Cake to top it all!

One word to describe it all: MESSY!

[Disclaimer->Paraphrased, no harm intended]
Lester: Hey, since no sisters here, we eat it the men's way.
Yours Truly: Sure!

We gobbled the food with our hands. I karate-chopped the birthday cake. Lester mixed all the 7 different types of food/drink together and put it in his mouth, only to spit it all out.

QUOTE: It tasted like fart! LOL!

20th Dec

Went out to Novena with my bro for a haircut late in the evening. Missed it, 'cos the place took last order 15 minutes earlier.
Met Heng Yu there, and travelled down to City Hall, where my bro left us.
Met Alvin at his workplace at Marina Square.
Left the loser (Alvin :x) and went for the haircut. Heng Yu went off to shop.
****Haircut: Got a shock of my life. Ask me why!****
Left the place slightly shaken, met up with Heng Yu, went off to watch him eat Subway.
Left alone (Alvin ps-ed me to go free makan with his boss) to meet Brian @ Bukit Timah for dinner/supper. Crossed the 12 midnight barrier.

FINALLY!
I can buy alcoholic drinks!
I can go clubbing!
I can ... learn driving!
I can ... uhh ... but I don't do those!

diao, seems like 18 ain't what it's made up to be.

#27 JOY SHOULD BE SHARED OUT LOUD!

I'm excited! You know why?

Miracle #!: My buddy Jun Wei's mother recevied Christ on Sunday!

And I'm jealous in a joyous sort of way. Want to make that happen in my household too! My brother shall be first! This year!

That's not the only miracle.

Miracle #2: A 90 year old lady shared the Gospel to her.

We should be ashamed. Look at her. That's a true legacy. She ROCKS MY WORLD! The 90 year old with the faith of a new born. That's so blessed!

I've decided. GO GO GO ALL THE WAY!

Thank God I'm out of my emo-mode!

Out in just two blog posts! Hee~

#26 There Are Feelings In The Air//A Poetic Incursion

For me, it's a meandering course of vibes. A dose of trepidation, a jab of enervation.

I seemed to have stopped time. Or so I thought.

Well that's because...

My watch has stopped.

I don't know when that happened. but it stopped exactly at 12 sharp. AM or PM I don't know. All it says is 12.00 & 43 seconds.

And that episode amused me so much I kept hallucinating I was in the middle of a crowd and suddenly everything stopped.

It's most probably my brain that has stopped. Oh boy, the weeks have been hard on my grey matter. Seems my hair's greying even. Or not, again I don't know.

****

I walked in. Silence. Bound by the fifth dimension. It isn't the absence of it, but sound, I guess isn't audible in the span of a moment.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

On good days, I'd pass it by without giving it a thought. This was definitely not a good day, I think. I tried to breathe. Seems like systemic movements freeze in frame as well. Then I stopped, straining my ears for a heart-beat. Who was I kidding; I already said it was silence all around.

The purity of whiteness all around.

Purer than bleach ever could. Purer than the purest white on earth. So white that I can't explain it. Just, well, you know, white. Up till this point I hadn't gone as far to think of the consequence had it all only been my brain. Emptiness.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

No, I don't think so. Flashback to when I "walked in." I hallucinated the sound of my footsteps upon cold hard parquet. "Clop, clop," or whatever you call it. The echoes seem to reverberate into the deepest recess of my... belly?!

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

And people these days kill themselves to kill themselves. I mean in the area of calories, carbs and those ohsoyummy fats. FATS. I checked my sides and shrugged. Haven't got enough of them. I recall fitting into the (3 inch?) grill of my door and whimper. Hey, I want to be fat okay. It's a privilege.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

"Your tall."
"Hey, you are tall for your age!"
Yeah right, I'm the shortest son in my family. How's that for tall. Even my younger brother's a clear 1 cm taller than me. People say," The sky's the limit."

I say take to the sky and set your sights on the stars. And that's no dream; it's a lifestyle.

Height, Width, Depth, Space, Time.

Master of Time? No thanks, I'd rather be a servant of Jesus.

#25 De JaVu.

Hmmm...

And I wonder why?

Quell that feeling.

""""""""
""-----""
" o o "
" () ' "
" = ' "
\____/

****

I dream a dream of the incredible. In this dream what I see I don't recognise. Yet what I see seems familiar, seems surreal. It's like the playground from so long ago that's been painted over time and again. Yet caught in between two dimensions I am.

In one, I see two children playing in the playground. One looks like myself, the other *one of* my brother*s*. Hmmm, funny, I don't see the other. The image is blurry; we seem to be having fun, yet having no emotion at all.

In another, I see myself. This one's far more blur. There's a greater variety of colour, of crimson, orange, yellow? There seems to be either blood, or fire, or a mixture of both around me. Corpses, maybe. I can't tell for sure. Seems to me I'm suffering, yet somehow I can feel beyond the image into the heart of "myself". There seems to be something within that heart there that drives me. My face is stricken into a contortion of pain.

And I, as in the real me standing looking at these two dimensions in my first person perspective, stands caught beyond both images, in an atmosphere of whiteness. There's just pure nothing here; the environment feels calm. Yet my heart pumps with nervous anticipation; I have to choose between either.

And then I "white-out".

Once again, time passed me by.

#24 The Holidays Have Started

Unreal. Surreal. Whatchamaycallit. Weird things happening in my system. For firsts, my biological clock is skewer. Then there's that thing about the way my brain goes into overdrive. Sometimes it helps, because I don't actually think about anything because everything whirls past. But it just gives me that e-mode. Ya know, emo-mode.

Surprised myself the past few days. I was just walking past Seven-11 one day when I saw a pack of Milo cereal. To cut the long story short, I got my bro to buy it, plus some Milo drink cartons (the big ones, because I can't take milk). I tried it today. Almost puked. When sweet plus sweet comes together, its fine for a sweet-person (notice I didn't say sweet person). But it's too much for my taste-buds; I prefer bland stuff. So ya, I sort of died down there.

And just yesterday I saw a box of pandan cake at my dinner table nearing midnight. My eyes sparked and I gobbled everything up.

Pig.

In ten days.

I will be,

And I will pass,

For I will not be;

ARRGH. I still owe birthday presents. Oops.